LaO: KU Ficlets
by TGP
Summary: Ficlets for my Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit universe  because sometimes you need a break and sometimes the break turns into a real story.
1. What the fuck is that?

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**1. What the fuck is that?**

"What the _fuck_ is that?"

Naruto rolls his eyes and sighs because, obviously, it should have been easy for anyone to figure it out. "A jackalope."

By the look on his face, Naruto's pretty sure Sasuke doesn't understand the immense importance in having a jackalope on his desk. Or that Sasuke knows what to _say_ to that. Haha, score. Naruto 1, Bastard 0.

"Honestly, Naruto," Sakura chids as she passes by with an armful of files and a look of distaste on her face. "That's unsanitary!"

"Eeeehhhhh? You don't like it?" At this, Naruto is crushed. He was sure she'd be overwhelmed with the amazing sight.

"Why would I like a stuffed and mutilated animal corpse? Ugh, _you_…" she mutters as she goes on by once she's given Sasuke a star struck look he ignores. And Naruto leans forward in his chair to gaze past the bastard and get a better look at her backside. Sakura is one of the few female officers that wear a skirt to work with any frequency and he's sure as hell going to enjoy it.

Naruto shouldn't have been surprised when Sasuke's hand smashes into the back of his head and he lands face first on the ground. Immediately, he's up spitting and snarling and Sasuke doesn't fucking _care_, the bastard, but when Naruto starts in on what a bastard the other man is in the middle of the office and how he's just jealous Naruto's doing better on his case… Well, Sasuke can only take so much stupid at one time.

It takes four guys to pull them off one another and while Sasuke lets it happen, Naruto's still spitting fire and making all sorts of threats that don't even make sense ("-and even your _ancestors_ are gonna feel it when I -") but that's over soon enough.

It can be said Chief Minato is soft on his son. Detective _Kushina_, on the other hand…

"_NARUTO!_" is the only warning any of them hand before a fist smashes down onto Naruto's head hard enough to throw him right out of the others' arms. Kushina glares as Naruto moans and rolls around on the floor, holding his head. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Stop embarrassing your father and I! _Honestly!_"

"Now, now," Chief Minato murmurs in an unsuccessful attempt to placate his wife. Sasuke loses interest. He jerks himself out of his own team of officers and walks pointedly back towards his desk. Only, he pauses by Naruto's and glances back as Naruto starts up off the floor. He waits until Naruto's looking at him before delicately picking up the jackalope… and tossing it across the room, over four desks and two ducking officers, past stacks of paperwork and ringing phones, through one open window with masterful ease.

Naruto's scream of dismay precedes the crash of the poor totem as it smashes against the pavement three stories down.


	2. This was a mistake, obviously

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**2. This was a mistake, obviously. –Shlee**

This was a mistake, obviously. Sasuke looks over the other postings to see if his name shows up elsewhere… and it doesn't. Neither does his new _partner's_. Lifting his eyes from the sheet, he glares at her from across his desk. This _had_ to be a mistake.

"P-p-pleased to work with you," she says, fiddling with her fingers. How the _fuck_ did this girl pass the exams?

Sasuke looks at the sheet again and scans for that idiot Naruto, who _also_ needs a new partner since his went off to Sex Crimes a week ago. The idiot got saddled with some guy named Akamichi that Sasuke hasn't heard of. It doesn't make him feel better that Naruto's got a rookie. So does Sasuke. He glares at her again, watching her shrink away.

"…Nice to meet you, Hyuuga," he says, teeth grated while Hyuuga Hinata wilted even farther.

"N-Nice to m-meet you…"

Sasuke has a headache. He's pretty sure it's not going to be his last.


	3. Hitch your wagon to a star

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**3. Hitch your wagon to a star - Shlee**

His parents told him when he was little to always dream big.

"Hitch your wagon to a star," his mother told him with a gleam in yellow eyes.

He remembers that even now, long after the horrible car accident that took not only took their lives but ruined his. He remembers to dream big. He even chose a star to call his own (Mimas, a moon of Saturn. Not a star, per se, but he likes it all the same for it's pop-culture reference.) In a way, he thinks of this as how he's kept them alive and standing at his side as he goes through life.

Or, rather, _someone else's_ life.

He can't help but smile at the way his subject squirms on the table, how the squirming lessens with every second while the toxins work their magic. He watches the light slowly fade from her eyes. It ignites within him a great happiness. So much faster this time! Seconds, rather than minutes! He wonders if it were merely the point of entry or merely how ridiculously powerful the toxin was…

Well. That was why he continued experimenting, now wasn't it?

He watches until the body is still and quiet, then rests the bell of his stethoscope down against her chest, right over her heart. He listens as her heart patters once, twice more, and then it's over. He smiles.

"Dr. Orochimaru?"

The smile vanishes as he's interrupted. He glances back over his shoulder, taking an instant to recognize his assistant.

"Our investors will be pleased to know we've made progress," he says. Not that he really cares much about this particular vein of his research, but it _does_ foot the bill for his other interests.

"Oh?" his assistant murmurs, coming closer to view the body as well. "No signs… Amazing work, Doctor."

Orochimaru smiles. Perhaps he'll let this one live a week or so longer before putting _him_ under the knife. Or micro-syringe, that is. He might dream big, but sometimes big dreams come in small packages. And maybe he likes it better that way.


	4. Poker Night

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**4. Poker Night – Shlee**

Most police departments have poker night at least once a year. The Konoha PD does it every _week_. With copious amounts of alcohol and cheating. They don't play the game so much as see how long it takes to be caught and proven false. Cheating is an art form raised to its highest measure.

Kakashi has never been caught and rarely loses. Not that he really cares about playing, of course. It's much more fun to watch the young ones get flustered and frantic as alcohol deadens their finesse. He wishes Itachi were here tonight, but the little weasel's out in the field on a long term case. Pity. Itachi's never been caught either and he knows just what to say to get these brats fired up.

Some time after half-passed-drunk, a regular game of cheat poker became _strip_ poker. Kakashi hadn't been paying attention. He was getting to the good part in his novel, the climax of good and evil between the angelic seductress and her repentant demon prey, when he heard a sudden outraged snarl.

"What do you mean I should fold?" Naruto growled out in disgust as he glared at his ex-partner. Sai gave him the same pleasant look he gave everyone.

"When you lose the hand, you'll be forced to reveal your tiny penis to everyone and therefore lose any and all respect they had for you."

"It is _not_ _small_!" Naruto whined, already getting up. "I'll have you know that I put horses to shame!"

"Pigmy horses, maybe," Sai responds calmly.

And then Naruto shucks his boxers and wow, Kakashi didn't need to see that. He pretends he didn't and stares resolutely at his book as the rest of the group starts yelling, cheering, and what have you at Naruto's might-possibly-be-tiny-or-horselike wang.

Kakashi is going to get Minato for tricking him into being the designated tonight.


	5. Minato should have realized

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**5. Minato should have realized that sending Kushina and Kakashi on a stake out together was a disaster waiting to happen. – Shlee**

Minato should have realized that sending Kushina and Kakashi on a stake out together was a disaster waiting to happen. It didn't matter that they'd been partners since Minato had had to give up being active in favor of running the department or that both Kushina and Kakashi were distinguished officers. This was always a bad idea and it always screwed up in ways Minato hadn't even thought possible.

"The fork was necessary?" he asked, voice bewildered as he held a receipt and his wife gave him the most sour look.

"Very necessary."

Kakashi nodded with utmost seriousness. "As was the vasaline."

Minato looks between one to the other, noting bandaged wounds and bloodied clothing, having seen the disapproving looks of the nurses he spoke to when he came to claim his detectives, and then just rubs his head.

"…I'm not even going to read the report," he mutters.


	6. He hadn't intended on kidnapping anyone

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**6. He hadn't intended on kidnapping anyone. - Shlee**

He hadn't intended on kidnapping anyone but Kiba's man enough to take the opportunity when it slaps him in the face. Okay, so maybe he _shouldn't_ have but… The guy was _asking_ for it. In a totally not gay, non-sexual fashion, of course. Actually, his dick would probably shrivel up and die if sex and this guy got used in the same sentence.

Hyuuga Neji, heir to the Hyuuga Foundation and one of the richest bastards in town, glares at him so hard from the back seat that Kiba's kind of surprised he hasn't burst into flames yet. Except that it's way more likely he'd end up covered in ice. _Jeez._

"It is _not_ my fault you were in _this_ taxi," Kiba says stubbornly, making sure to keep on the car ahead's tail. The Fox Corps guys are wickedly _bad_ drivers and they're in fine shape today. Which means they've nearly killed someone every block and caused enough damage to other cars that Kiba's surprised theirs is still running. If they hadn't totaled his cruiser first thing, he wouldn't be in this situation.

"Can't you just drop me off?" Neji grouches out, then grunts as a quick turn throws him into the door.

"I am _not_ losing these assholes! Call it your civic duty or something!" Kiba shouts back. He really hopes he doesn't get the department sued. That would seriously suck. But he's _not_ about to let these idiots get away from him. Beside him, Shino just sighs a little and wonders how he got dragged into this. They were supposed to be at a crime scene so he could do his _job._ Why did Lee have to have gone to get them coffee right when the Fox Corps was trying to knock over the bank across the street?

Kiba's cut a lucky break when they manage to not only scrape across two more cars but then crash head long into a park _fountain_. Fucktards! Kiba's out of the car almost before he can get it into park. Then he's after them as the two idiots stumble out of the car. He knocks the legs out from under one, then throws the other to the ground. Behind, he can hear Shino taking down the other guy like it's nothing and, okay, Shino's just a freak like that. A freaky bug… guy. Yeah. He'll think of something better when he's trying not to get the snot beat out of him.

By the time they have the two cuffed and a squad car on the way, Kiba's got a black eye and a busted lip and Shino looks like nothing happened at _all_, the bastard.

Hyuuga Neji hands them a card with an attorney's name on it. Fuck a duck.


	7. The art of texting is lost on the Uchiha

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**7. The art of texting is lost on the Uchiha and the Namikaze find this hilarious. - Shlee**

"ur fly iz down."

Sasuke looks at his phone for a few moments and then calmly deletes the message _without_ checking if it's true. He doesn't care that it came from Detective Kushina because like everything else she's ever texted him, it's probably a joke he doesn't care to join in on.

The art of texting is lost on the Uchiha and the Namikaze find this hilarious. Sasuke isn't sure why. He's even less sure why they insist on bothering him when he's out doing _real_ work. Like _solving cases_.

His phone buzzes the familiar tone of the Chief. He flips it open without a thought and then he just kind of stares. _Seriously?_

Sasuke decides owning a cell phone is overrated.


	8. Lost in Translation

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**8. Lost in Translation - Shlee**

Naruto thinks there's something to be said about just killing a guy. None of the mind games or the elegant entrapments, no. Just killing someone. He wishes there was more of that around there. Well, you know, not more killing people of course but less of these really fucking _weird_ murders.

While Chouji's losing his lunch on the other side of the dumpster, Naruto sits back on his heels and wishes he had a stick to move some of this around. There are _pieces_ laying all over the place and if there's a pattern, Naruto doesn't see it. The other guys already confirmed that the chick was dead before she was chopped up but seriously. Mind games.

Behind him, he hears Chouji stop gagging and come around. Naruto feels for him. Two weeks on the job and he gets a case like _this?_ Bad luck. At least Naruto had had a few months of simple shit.

"So, what do you think?" Chouji asks uneasily.

Naruto shrugs. "Well, it's not the Fox Corps. They like smaller pieces."

Chouji looks so queasy that Naruto thinks he might hurl again, but he doesn't. He takes a few deep, slow breaths and then murmurs feebly, "Someone new?"

"Dunno. We'll check the MO against the database, see if we can't figure it out. Can't think this ain't been seen before…"

Naruto gets up. He surveys the pieces with an annoyed sigh. It seems like they're supposed to be telling him something but he doesn't have a clue what. He hates it when perps throw little puzzles at him.

It's a day or so later before they find out there aren't any leads. This isn't the first time a pile of parts has landed in their laps but either the murderer was already in jail, dead, or hadn't been identified. The only oddity of it all was finding high amounts of snake venom in the body. Near as forensics could tell, she'd been bitten by an unknown variety of snake, died, and then been chopped to pieces.

Naruto hates the mind games. He hates them even more when they're used on other people. He doesn't know who this sick bastard is, but he's going to find them and they _will_ pay for this. Believe it.


	9. Trust building events

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**9. Trust building events and sexual harassment seminars. - Shlee**

It should have been easy. Being decent human beings, surviving the clash of powerful personalities without a public incident, easy. They were all adults, after all, and they should have had the capacity to put it all behind them in the public eye…

Right. Minato rubs his head. He really shouldn't be surprised how fucked up his people are, considering how fucked up the village is. Enough that there's no way to get them out of this day of seminars. On building _trust_… And because _someone_ had to be an _idiot_ and run his mouth at _Mayor Tsunade_ on _public television_, sexual harassment too. Minato rubs his head _harder_.

Amazingly, once everyone has filed into the stuffy, non-air conditioned classroom and found their seats, it takes them a whole ten minutes for someone to fuck up. Minato is not surprised that it's his son, nor that Sasuke starts in next, and then Naruto's yelling curses and Sakura pops in… After that, it's like a train wreck. A horrible, insane train wreck.

Thankfully, Mayor Tsunade likes him and owes him a favor. That's probably the only reason why none of his officers have been thrown into an _asylum_.

By the time they leave, Kakashi has been caught reading porn in a _cabinet_, Hinata has to be rushed to the hospital for fainting after Sasuke looks at her wrong, and Minato runs out of aspirin. He thinks about quitting but, to be perfectly honest, who the hell else would willingly take this job…?


	10. The Monthly Barbeque

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**10. The Monthly Barbeque is worse than poker nights, and Hinata wishes she knew why people keep losing their clothes at these events. – Shlee**

Hinata wonders if maybe she should have skipped on this but there was the chance to see Naruto and maybe get up the courage to actually talk to him this time. That is, if he's not busy fighting with her partner. And there is a big con there. Sasuke _hates_ her. She's pretty sure he'll shoot her himself if she makes a mistake on the field so she's very careful not to. He may think very little of her but Hinata knows how to work hard.

So, she goes to the monthly Konoha PD barbeque once she's finished choosing an outfit that best shows off "hardworking but feminine" and it doesn't include a skirt because she's pretty sure Sasuke would take it as another reason to hate her if she dared be less than fully prepared to defend herself and the village from an invasion of every country on the planet. Her pants are sturdy and she has way too many knives hidden in inside pockets. Her shirt isn't anything like the showy things she sees other women wearing and the light jacket she has over it hides her back holster perfectly. Her shoes are comfortable, well broken in, and good for the long haul.

She couldn't resist leaving her hair loose or the pretty little pearl barrettes in it. Maybe Naruto will notice…

When Hinata makes her way through Chief Minato's house to the back lawn, she stops dead in the doorway and just kind of stares. Maybe she should have expected that the barbeque be worse than the poker nights and she wishes she knew why people keep losing their clothes at these events.

Kushina and Sakura are screaming at the tops of their lungs and clutching their arms around their bared breasts and Jiraiya from archives has their bikini tops and is waving them around while Naruto offers to show himself to make Sakura feel better and Sasuke snarls out something about ripping it _off_ if he has to see it and-

Hinata swoons. Thankfully, that nice detective Kakashi catches her and lowers her down to the porch with one arm. She happens to look across to what he's holding in the other and the sight of cartoon breasts with something _thrusting_ in them is what turns her swoon into an outright faint.

She wakes up later on Chief Minato's couch and Sakura is checking her vitals, thankfully with her bikini top back on. Hinata thanks her profusely for fussing over her and Sakura waves it off. Her cheeks are still red from anger and outside, Hinata can hear Naruto fighting with Sasuke, as usual.

Hinata stays long enough to prudently taste the steaks Kiba somehow managed to save from the huge brawl, but then she slinks away and swears up and down _never_ to come to one of these again.

…Unless maybe Naruto asks her to.


	11. The quiche was nice, but the boy

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**11. The quiche was nice, but the boy was better. – Remy**

So it's been three months since Chouji joined the department. He can't say he's enjoyed every minute of it, but to be honest, he expected it to be worse. Konoha isn't a town of all hearts and flowers. It's not as bad as Kiri or Iwa, of course, but Konoha has it's own slew of psychopaths.

Still. He can't say he's really _enjoyed_ it. Chouji knows he's doing something worthwhile and that his job is important but three months was enough to make him want to quit. The job is bad enough but the _people?_ The entire department is insane!

He begins wording it up in his head as he carries a package that everyone else was too busy being crazy to deliver. It's very polite and regretful and hopefully his father won't mind if he asks to work in the restaurant again. At least the cook only throws things when Mr. Nara comes around to gather his father for a drink. Mr. Nara has a way with women.

Chouji sits the package down on its specified desk before actually realizing the owner of the desk is staring at him. He straightens with a jerk, blinking. For a second, he thought it was Mr. Nara, but the guy staring at him is much younger with no scars or facial hair.

"Uh," Chouji finds himself uttering. It's really weird to have someone stare at you that hard.

"You wouldn't happen to be an Akimichi, would you?" the guy asks.

"Uh. Yeah. I'm Chouji."

"Ah." He takes the package and fiddles with it, looking rather bored.

"Are you… I mean… Do you know Nara Shikaku…?"

"My dad. I'm Shikamaru."

"Ah." Chouji belatedly notices the name on the package and realized he'd subconsciously gone to the right desk without actually realizing it. Then he feels pretty stupid, but Shikamaru doesn't seem to mind. He's busy carefully opening the box with the same bored look on his face. Chouji watches because wow, those are some really nice eyelashes. Well, if one were to notice eyelashes. And he wonders how long Shikamaru's hair is when it's not in the ponytail… Which Chouji really should stop doing.

Shikamaru glances up at him with some confusion and Chouji realizes he's been standing there entranced for way longer than he should have been. He quickly utters an apology and excuses himself, but Shikamaru's voice gives him pause.

"Hey. When's your shift over?"

"Uh. Seven?"

Shikamaru looks back to his package, which apparently contained what looked like a quiche in saran wrap and a hand written note. "There's a barbeque place around the corner."

For a second, Chouji doesn't really get what Shikamaru said. When he does he just grins and two minutes after seven, they've got a table.


	12. Kyuubi

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**12.** **Kyuubi**

The first thing you learn when you join the Fox Corps is not to pry into anyone's business. Prying gets you killed in messy, disgusting, painful ways that take a very, _very_ long time. Willful ignorance isn't quite bliss but there are things about the organization better left hidden in a corner to rot on their own.

The second thing you learn is that your life is useless as soon as the boss decides it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Once as you get this rule, everything else is easy. It's even easy to see your friends die because hey, at least it's not you. And there's no leaving the chaos of the Fox Corps. When you're in, you're in, whether it's what you wanted or not. The boss doesn't care.

The third thing you learn is not to mention the Namikaze family except for their youngest, Naruto, and only when it's known for sure you're not going after him. Namikaze Naruto was the boss's prey and he guards his prey viciously. Which is not to say that you aren't allowed to rough him up a bit if he gets in the way of a job, but there's a fine line between "roughed up" and "injured" that seems to change depending on how the boss feels. It's best to walk a very cautious line. A guy bruised one of Naruto's ribs once. He didn't die until two months later in absolute agony and perfect clarity.

Sometimes, the guys wonder if Namikaze Naruto knows how obsessed the boss is about him. They doubt it. Naruto is an idiot, plain and simple. Always in the way. They're all waiting for the day the boss gets tired of the chase and goes in for the kill. None of them have gone unscathed from that guy's inescapable luck.

Not that you should tell the boss to hurry up. _Ever_.


	13. Precision

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**13. Precision - Shlee**

Uchiha Shisui doesn't smoke. At least, that's what his family thinks, but they think a lot of things that aren't really true. Itachi is pretty sure they believe Shisui is the second coming of Christ. If they really knew what went on in his head, he wonders how many of them might fall over dead from shock.

When Itachi arrives in the park, he doesn't stop at the bench Shisui has sat himself at. He walks on by without looking and smiles at an old lady walking her fat bulldog before stopping a soccer ball from rolling into the street and tossing it back to the group of kids playing in the field. The kids are happy enough to get back into their game while Itachi wheels his way slowly through the park. He makes a stop at the public rest rooms but doesn't choose a stall.

It's as he's washing his hands that the door opens and Shisui comes inside. He drops the half finished cigarette into the sink Itachi's using and then leans against the counter as if he owns the place, arms folded across his chest. Itachi ignores that. He's used to Shisui's posturing. Though he does find it a little odd that it only happens around _him_.

"You said you knew something," Itachi says when it's obvious Shisui wants to be _asked_. And when Shisui's lips quirk at one side, he knows he's right.

"Maybe I do." Shisui pulls a lighter from his pants pocket and fiddles with it. With anyone else, this would be a bored, ADD moment but Itachi knows better. Everything about Shisui is deliberate. "That depends on whether you know the right question."

Itachi thinks about what to say carefully. Dealing with Shisui requires precision and care. He's very good at manipulating things to suit him. That's something the family doesn't know either.

"The department has a case. We've found a few bodies chopped into pieces. I know the Fox Corps isn't involved-"

Shisui snorts. "They're much too full of themselves not to put their name on murders."

"True," Itachi admits. And the Fox Corps like wood chippers. That's their trademark. He picks up the wet cigarette and throws it away. "Do you know anything about these killings?"

"I do." Shisui stretches his arms over his head, ruffling his short, somewhat curly hair. Itachi waits for an elaboration but it doesn't come. He resists the urge to grit his teeth.

"Who's behind it?"

"Someone only slightly interesting." Shisui looks back to him with another little smirk. "Don't get involved. The family has an interest in him."

Itachi doesn't outwardly react. But that does tell him something he really, really wishes wasn't true. If the Uchiha are involved, people will die. That's a guarantee. He rakes a hand back through his hair.

"Hey," Shisui murmurs, reaching over to grab his shoulder. It takes everything he has not to flinch. "Don't worry so much. It's not like I'd let any of them touch you."

Which really doesn't make him feel any better. Itachi's glad their past friendship means something but he'd rather Shisui had promised to keep the family out of police business. Shisui would never do that, though. He does everything the family tells him to.

"We can't let it go," Itachi says, lifting his gaze to the other man's face. Shisui sighs.

"Yeah. I know."


	14. I keep getting texted pictures

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**14. "I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome." - Shlee**

In general, Kushina is a pretty happy person. She has an adoring husband, an energetic child, a good home, and a rewarding job. She even enjoys her partner but then again, she's known Kakashi since he was no higher than her waist. When she looks at him, she can't help remembering Sakumo.

Of course, Sakumo would _never_ have been caught dead reading porn at his desk in the middle of the day.

Kushina doesn't hit him, but only because she's used to this. Instead, she leans over his shoulder and reads a page or two with him before deciding that is not, in fact, anatomically possible and the whole thing is horseshit. Probably written by a man because all bad porn was.

"Did you need me for something?" Kakashi asks absently after Kushina gives a third snort of disgust over his reading material.

"I wanted your opinion on something," she replies before dragging out her cell phone and thumbing through to her picture gallery. She selects one and then holds the phone in front of the book.

Kakashi is quiet a moment, uncovered eye rather focused on the image. "Ah…"

"I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men," Kushina muses as she thumbs over to another. This one is particularly interesting. "I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome."

Because she has amassed at least ten images now of her husband making out with various guys. Or, rather, getting made out with because he never seemed quite into it but they all came from his phone. She knows all of guys, of course. They're current or ex-cops with a few firefighters from the KFD mixed in. Usually, the heavy rivalry is enough to keep them from working on a prank like this but maybe a few beers and a common hilarious goal is enough to soothe their egos.

"Is that…?"

"Oh yeah. That's Inuzuka Kiba."

Kakashi lifts off his chair and cranes his neck to catch a glimpse of the younger man as Kiba thumbs through a file muttering to himself while Lee dialogues. Everyone in the department is used to that after his mentor, Gai, who'd left the department to start his own fitness center so he could share the power of youth with the world.

"Huh," Kakashi mumbles, looking back through the pictures. Kushina hopes seeing his mentor that way will spark some kind of nervous breakdown. That would be _hilarious_.

"Might be fun," she says absently as she flips to a photo containing none other than Jiraiya from archives. "Rolling around with a stud like this. Think Minato would get involved or just watch?"

Kakashi says nothing. Kushina can't help but grin. And then she gets a better idea.

"Hey, how about you attack him too so I can add to my collection? I have to say, it's pretty hot to see you boys dominating my poor little Minato like this."

A tiny noise escapes Kakashi's throat. It's pretty pathetic. Kushina just grins wider.

"Hm? What are you smiling about?"

Kushina jumps nearly three feet in the air. The phone goes flying out of her hands. "M-_Minato!_ Don't you sneak up on me like that, you brute! Why, I've got half a mind to-"

She would have said more but Kakashi pushes her out of the way as he slides out of his chair, her phone in hand. He grabs Minato's shoulder and then plants a wet one right on his lips. There's a click of the shutter but Kushina doesn't hear it. Her wide eyes are glued onto the sight because… hot damn, that's different in person. And it _is_ pretty hot.

When it's over, Minato sputters and half the department is staring. The other half have learned to ignore shit like this. Looking very pleased with himself, Kakashi hands back the phone.

"You owe me," he chirps out.

Kushina supposes she does.


	15. He's heard newborns make more sense

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**15. He's heard newborns make more sense than this.**

Kiba knocks back two aspirin. His head isn't hurting just yet, but he's pretty sure it will anytime now. It's only nine in the morning and Naruto's already picked a fight with Sasuke and Lee's started a youth rant as he does pushups along his desk and chair. It's gearing up to be a usual day. Which is why Kiba goes through a full bottle of aspirin a week.

When he gets to his desk, there's a note waiting. Never a good sign. Kiba reads over the sparse words, then crumples it up and tosses it into his waste basket before he heads to the chief's office.

"Yo, you called?" he says as he pokes his head in without knocking. Minato glances up from whatever paperwork he's amassed, then waves him forward.

"Take a seat," Minato murmures. He closes the files and pushes them aside before folding his hands on the desk. Another bad sign. "I want to give you a new assignment."

"…Yeah?" Kiba prompts when Minato stares at him for a minute or so. The chief sighs and then takes a bracing breath. He is not gonna like this -

"I want you to go undercover with the Fox Corps."

Kiba is quiet a moment. He doesn't quite believe what he's just heard.

"You're joking," Kiba says. Because frankly, he's the _worst_ candidate for an undercover op. Kiba's heard newborns make more sense than this. It's not just crazy. It's suicide.

"You know as well as I do that the Foxes only take a certain kind of person," Minato says. He sounds like he's rehearsed this. "Now I've got four people around here who fit the description and personality. You're the only one I believe might actually survive."

Kiba rakes a hand through his hair. This is screwed up. "You really think I can be that crazy?"

"No," Minato murmurs, shrugging one shoulder. "But about half of them are just loud and obnoxious."

"Oh gee, _thanks_."

The chief smiles a little. "You can say no, Kiba."

"Like hell." Kiba sits back in his chair and folds his arms behind his head. "I'm too good not to do this."

"Too arrogant, maybe."

"No such thing." Kiba gets up. "When do I start?"

"Next Monday. We should have your cover set up by Friday."

Kiba doesn't really like the rush but he understands it. The bastards have been getting uppity later, ever since they started finding piles of parts. Kiba thinks maybe they don't like getting shunted out of their main attention.

"I think I'll take those personal days I've been saving up," he says, grinning. "Might as well get some time in with my dog before I gotta leave for who knows how long."

"Or your girlfriend," Minato prompts almost sweetly. Kiba scowls.

"Just because you got a girl to go home to doesn't mean you gotta rub it in. " Then he pauses. "Wait. This is Kushina we're talking about. She's less of a girl and more like a wrestler. Guess it takes all types, huh?"

He leaves very quickly. Chief Minato doesn't usually throw things but he's been a bit touchy since the Kissing Marathon.


	16. I'm fucking amazing

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**16. I'm fucking amazing.**

Most of the time, only the main desks are noisy. The department does actually contain normal people. Or, rather, slightly less odd people. Okay. Maybe just quieter people.

Usually, Aburame Shino fits in this category. But usually, he hasn't done something this phenomenal. Shino gives himself a moment of congratulations. He's not usually the one to put the pieces together so quickly. Not that Shino isn't good at his job, of course, but facts are only one side of a case. This time, the miscellaneous data made all the difference.

It's with his head held high that he carries his compiled data across the floor and sets it down on Naruto and Chouji's joined desks. Both men look up, a bit bewildered. Then Naruto gingerly takes the folder and flips it open.

"What gives?" he asks before he has time to actually read anything.

"I believe you may find this beneficial to your case," Shino says and he might not have managed to keep the smugness from his voice. Either way, neither of them seem to notice. Chouji peers over the desk to read the file upside-down until Naruto slams it down on the desk and jerks to his feet.

"You!" he says and it takes Shino a moment to realize he's elated. Then Naruto grins. "Damn, I could kiss you! Except not because you're you and that's so wrong, but seriously!"

Chouji takes the file and rights it to read himself. He's pretty impressed. Shino successfully resists the urge to smile.

"How did you…" Chouji trails off and then he's grinning, too. No doubt, he's appreciating the way Shino painstakingly identified the venom in the pile of parts case (an artificially modified and strengthened form of venom from the Mamushi snake) then tracked any known scientific projects at local colleges or research laboratories working with snake venom (twelve current studies, only three using Mamushi). It really is a rather good bit of detective work that he didn't _need_ to do.

Shino reaches up and adjusts his darkened glasses. Calmly, he returns to his lab. There are other cases, after all, that he left on the wayside to get this done.

As Shino closes the door behind him, he smiles and murmurs to himself, "I'm fucking amazing."


	17. Bullet wounds are only as painful

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

_**NOTE:**__ This chapter officially brings up the rating to mature for torture. And trust me, this won't be the end, since we're dealing with people like Kyuubi, Orochimaru, and other baddies who haven't quite appeared yet._

**17. Bullet wounds are only as painful as a person is conscious.**

Kiba is both revolted and rather impressed. Kyuubi's shot the guy four times now and he's still just whining and gasping on the ground instead of screaming or begging. There's way too much blood spilled over the concrete. Kyuubi's going quick. He's too annoyed to take his usual pleasure in interrogation.

Not that this is much of an interrogation. Kiba's never felt like such a disgusting person as he does now. He stands in a wide circle of the Fox Corps, giving ample space in the center for Kyuubi to prowl in.

Kyuubi isn't anything like he was expecting. He's not very tall and has a lean, wiry build, like one of those boxers from the twenties. Before they started fixing the fights. He moves like a wild animal, all smooth and graceful and fucking _terrifying_. Jagged scars cross each cheek, like whiskers. Kiba doesn't know if they're real or not, but his eyes are red. Blood red. And when the guy looks at you, it's like he's trying to decide whether he wants to eat you or fuck you dead. The guy is a fucking nightmare and he has no right to be called human.

Kiba watches with his hands fisted tight enough to bleed as Kyuubi squats down beside the bleeding, dying man. He reaches out to grab the poor man's chin and jerks his face up.

"You should be more polite," he purrs out and Kiba can't stop the shiver down his spine. "You've cursed at me four times now."

"F-f-f-_fuck you!_"

The gunshot makes Kiba flinch and the guy gives another weak cry of pain. Kyuubi just shakes his head.

"Five," he murmurs and then straightens up. He nudges the guy with his foot idly, eyes half lidded and almost bored. "Maybe you should try telling me what I want to know. I want him, that bastard muscling in. I want to rip the flesh from his bones and throw his spine up on my wall. I want to save his eyes in a jar so I can remember the way he begged me for death. I want to etch his screams so deep in my heart that I can mock him through my next twenty lifetimes."

What he's saying is fucked up enough. But his voice is even and quiet, way too fucking calm. Kiba didn't realize just how fucked up the Fox Corps really are. He didn't know. He's going to fucking die and there's nothing he can do about it. As soon as Kyuubi figures out who he is, that's the end. He'll be on the floor, surrounded by cowards, and it will take him hours or longer to die.

The guy spits at Kyuubi's feet. Kiba wishes he could do something, wishes he could run in and save the guy or maybe shoot Kyuubi in his fucking face. But he can't. He's terrified. He can't move at all. He's surprised he hasn't pissed himself.

It takes another four hours before Kyuubi gets tired of the game. By then, they have a name and the guy's lost every fingernail and every toenail. He's broken at least ten bones. There's a punctured lung and he's lost a good square foot of skin. He stopped saying anything sensible after the name. In the end, he's quiet and his eyes are hazed and his soul isn't really there anymore. It's a belated gesture when Kyuubi spatters his brains over the concrete.

Kiba throws up everything in his stomach as soon as he's allowed to leave, and then even more. One of the guys tells him he'll get used to it. Tells him this was pretty light and he got off easy. Kiba doesn't feel like he got off easy.

He sends the guy's name and the lead he gave up to Minato so that when they find the slush of woodchipped parts, they can at least identifying him quickly.


	18. Homonyms

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**18. Homonyms**

Tenten sits down at her desk with a quiet huff. One week on the job and she's met her soul mate. She'd been unsure at first but now it's too obvious to ignore. Tenten's in love but the man of her dreams has yet to realize this fact.

Beside her, Ino gives a heartfelt sigh and Tenten knows immediately she's just as smitten.

"You'd think he'd notice by now," she says with sympathy and Ino give a little nod as she rests her head on one hand with a soulful look at the most perfect man on earth. Tenten gets her own eyeful.

"He's just so… _wonderful_," Ino says.

"That jet black hair…" Tenten replies.

"Coal black eyes…"

"Strong, lean body…"

"That _scowl_…"

"Legwarmers…"

Both women stop and look at each other. It takes them a second to realize what they've just said.

"You like _Lee?_" Ino squeaks out.

"How could anyone for go _Sasuke?_" Tenten replies, just as bewildered.

Ino laughs. She rests back in her chair, giggling to herself as she looks back on to where Lee is lecturing Sasuke on the importance of early morning exercises.

"Wow," she says, still giggling. "Well, at least you're not a rival."

"I could say the same," Tenten murmurs. She leans on her desk with a little smile. Well, if a babe like Ino can't see the perfection of Lee, all for the better. Now she just has to weed _Sakura_ out of the competition. That will take a bit more work… but Tenten's up for it.


	19. Catch 22

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**19. Catch 22**

Chouji and Naruto have gone to two of the labs Shino found for them but no dice. Nothing suspicious at all at either place and no known connection to the victim (who'd finally been identified.) Just as they head for the third place, Chouji has to leave. Apparently, his mother took a nasty fall. Instead of letting the guy fret, Naruto kicks him out the door and promises he'll be fine on his own. After all, Naruto's ten feet tall and bullet proof.

Not that his father agrees, apparently.

"Take Sasuke and Hinata with you," Minato says as he hands over a slip of paper, "And check out this name. See if there's any connection to your case."

Naruto looks at the name. It's pretty weird. What kind of creep names their kid _Orochimaru?_ It's like they were just asking to have his butt kicked every day. He shakes his head.

"Can't I take Lee and that new chick?" Naruto whines but Minato gives him a stern look.

"They have their own case load," he replies and Naruto wonders if that means Sasuke _doesn't_ and haha, the bastard isn't getting the juicy ones. More chances for Naruto to outshine him!

"Hey SASUKE!" Naruto yells across the room while his father winces and looks skyward. "Load 'em up and move 'em out! You're riding in the backseat!"

Sasuke does not look amused. He's even less amused when they get to the research lab and find out there _IS_ an Orochimaru working there and Dr. Orochimaru apparently likes scowling guys with black hair.

They don't really get much out of the guy (not that Naruto wants much to do with him. He's known some girly guys but this dude takes the cake!) until he asks Sasuke if he'd be interested in a tour of the lab. _Alone_.

Naruto can't help it. This is some funny shit. He knows Sasuke will kill him later but holy crap, he's getting hit on by a transvestite. Is everyone in the world (except him) in love with Sasuke?

"M-maybe you should," Hinata speaks up and whoa, Naruto kind of forgot she was there.

"I don't want to," Sasuke hisses back at her and she shrinks while Naruto's grin widened.

"If you don't, you'll be labeled a coward forever," he croons and Sasuke glares at him so hard he's kind of surprised he doesn't combust.

"I'm not doing it," Sasuke grits out. Hinata gives him a worried look, then glances past his shoulder where the doctor is waiting for their answer with a pleasant look on his kind of terrifying face.

"F-for the g-good of the case," she tries but Sasuke isn't listening.

"I am _not_ going into that _lab_ with-"

Sasuke jerks straight up as a smack resounds through the office. His left eye twitches, his fingers jerk, and Naruto has never seen him blush that hard. Dr. Orochimaru smiles innocently. And then cops a feel to the buttock he'd just slapped.

"Come on, Officer," he purrs out as he steps closer. "I won't _bite_."

The rate at which Sasuke ran from the lab isn't documented, but Naruto secretly believes it was mach 5. At least that's what he tells the rest of the guys.


	20. Odynometer

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**20. Odynometer**

Most of the time, no one would be caught dead in his house. There are exactly two people with a key: himself and the half-retarded maid that came in on Tuesdays and never said anything about bloodstains. Of course, she didn't speak very good Japanese and he's pretty sure she's illiterate and suffered some kind of head trauma as a child. That makes her basically safe. So does the fact that he has her kids' schedules memorized and has picked them up on occasion, just to keep her in line. They're pretty sweet brats. He hasn't had to smack them but once.

That said, there is someone in his house. He hates it when people intrude. The boundaries of his personal territory aren't as wide as his actual territory, but he protects it even more fiercely. The underground knows to keep the fuck out. He smiles slowly. Maybe he could have fun with his unexpected visitor. He did so love hearing little thieves _cry_.

He's made it to the kitchen when he realizes his thief has been hunting _him_. And that pisses him the fuck off.

"Kyuubi," says a voice he doesn't know but is expecting anyway. He pulls on a grin and turns to regard the man in black standing just barely out of arms length. He recognizes the sharp featured face, spiky black hair, and the raging arrogance.

"Uchiha," Kyuubi purrs out. He leans back against the counter, fingernails digging into the granite. "To what do I owe the displeasure?"

"You're trampling on our interests," the Uchiha says, arms folded across his chest and mouth set in a tight, white line. They're all like that. Kyuubi thinks they all really need to get laid. After all, there aren't that many of them.

"Maybe your interests should stop elbowing in on _mine_," he hisses back but he's still grinning. He's still willing to be amused. For now. Moving off the counter, he steps closer and rests a hand on the impassive man's chest, digging his nails into _him_ instead. "This town is mine, Uchiha. I just let you _live_ here. If your boys keep edging into my territory, there's going to be a lot of blood and you don't have enough people to spare, do you?"

The Uchiha glances down. The front of his black shirt is growing wet, but his face hasn't changed. Then he gives out a soft noise and it takes Kyuubi a moment to realize it's a laugh. And then he finds himself intrigued.

"We're the ones who let you live," the Uchiha says and his lips quirk up on one side, black eyes shining with a malicious glee Kyuubi rarely sees in anyone but himself.

"Is that so?" Kyuubi purrs and he digs his fingers deeper into the Uchiha's soft skin. The scent of his blood is intoxicating. Maybe he'll fuck this little bastard before he kills him. Might be nice to paint him inside and out with red.

"Even you have weaknesses," the Uchiha murmurs and he's still smirking, the bastard. Kyuubi kind of likes that. At least, until he adds, "Isn't _she_ supposed to be returning from school this summer? Almost has that degree in her pretty little hands. A year left, isn't it?

Kyuubi's smile vanishes. He is quiet a moment. There is no doubt in his mind who the Uchiha is referring to. And that pisses him off. He has the guy slammed against the stove a second later and a knife at his throat. His lips peel back from his teeth.

"You touch a hair on her head," he growls out low and quiet, "and I will track down every single person of your cursed bloodline. I'll rape your women, I'll smother your children, and I'll make every man _watch._"

"I've heard worse," the Uchiha says. Kyuubi thinks he may not have hated anyone as much as him at that moment. The Uchiha isn't smirking anymore but he looks bored, which is worse. "You know who we are. You know what we can do. Stay out of our business and we'll stay out of yours."

Kyuubi lets go. Inside, he's lashing and snarling but he's not so angry that he can't see reason. So he'll bide his time. He'll wait until she's within his control again, safe and protected, and then he'll make them pay for this humiliation. Kyuubi smiles. He's going to have to make sure this is done _right_.

"Fine," he says, chuckling. "Have your little scientist. For now."

"How magnanimous," the Uchiha replies. He looks down at his chest with some distaste for his blood soaking into the cloth. "I suppose I'll be going now."

"You'd better," Kyuubi purrs. He follows the Uchiha out, using the _front door_ because even psychotic ninja bastards need to use some manners sometimes. Kyuubi locks the door even though he knows its useless and then he begins to laugh.

He's going to paint the entire town with their blood.


	21. It's Complicated

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**21. It's complicated.**

Kakashi was a beat cop for a long time before he went into homocide. He doesn't think anyone really remembers that, which is fine with him. To be honest, Kakashi rather likes the supposed mystery surrounding him and the stories the younger officers keep spinning around him. The only ones who know him for real are Kushina and Minato. Which kind of complicates things for him.

The fact of the matter is Kakashi has some pretty messy feelings tied up in those two. Some of them are appropriate. Some of them aren't.

The first time Kakashi met Minato, he was nine and Minato had just joined the force as his father's partner. He'd thought the guy was kind of useless, honestly. But Minato was nice and always made sure his father came home safe. That meant more to Kakashi than just about anything else.

And when Kakashi found his father lying in a pool of his own blood when he was eleven, it was Minato that kept him _breathing_.

Kushina is a different story. Kakashi wasn't there for the initial meeting, but he saw most of the actual courtship. He was living with Minato then, after all. Kakashi hadn't cared for Kushina at first because she was so loud and brash and kept going on tirades… but there was something admirable in her tough-as-nails exterior. Even with that ridiculous red hair.

He's not really sure when he started feeling _other_ things for them. He supposes it doesn't really matter, since he doesn't plan on doing anything about it. They're _married_, after all, and Kakashi rather doubts Minato's the kind to be up for threesomes. Especially with a guy he practically raised. He's pretty sure Minato _still_ thinks of him as that kid. At least Kushina didn't meet him until he was past puberty.

Kakashi sits back in his chair. He glances across the office with his arms folded behind his head and spots that very couple speaking in front of Minato's door. They fit, he thinks. They look really good together. Looking from one to the other, Kakashi indulges a moment and imagines himself there with them. Talking about useless little things, seeing the glint of affection in blue and violet eyes, smiles just for him… It's a nice enough little daydream.

He's sure there are plenty of people who would say he had some kind of disorder. Some kind of trauma based attachment, a coping mechanism. Kakashi doesn't really care. He knows what he feels, even if he has no intention of doing anything about it. Whether or not it was induced because of how his life has gone, this is how he is and he has no regrets.

No big ones, anyway.


	22. The Lion Hearted Girl

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**22. The Lion Hearted Girl**

The Fox Corps tend to be messy, when it comes to cleaning up their trail. Unfortunately, anyone with the slightest chance of being prosecuted tend to end up dead. Kyuubi's good at cleaning up loose ends, at least.

Hinata keeps this in mind as she tries to slow her racing heart. She checks the clip and counts bullets before loading the clip again and checking this or that. Just to make sure. They don't know if there will be resistance, but Sasuke is checking his gun, too. She wishes she had a bulletproof vest but knows that would do little good. Foxes liked headshots on principle, at least from past experience. It would still have made her feel better about this.

"Ready?" Sasuke asks but it's not really a question so much as a command. Hinata nods as if it were anyway. Her hands aren't shaking but her stomach is clenched tight and she wants to puke. Sasuke would never let her live it down if she did, though, and Hinata isn't going to give up the tiny vestiges of respect she's won from him.

They break into the confirmed Fox Corps safe house with a team of fourteen, weapons flashing and shouting out. Hinata's surprised at her own voice, but she took the same training as everyone else and she knows that intimidation is a tool available to her just as easily as to Sasuke.

Hinata sees a man behind her fall before the first gunshot registers. And then it's a flurry of instincts and training. She's shooting with precision from one side of an overturned couch, tracking every faint hint of movement behind the partial wall separating the living room from the kitchen.

"Cover!" Sasuke hisses at her and then he leaps over the couch before she realizes what he's said. She might have called him a fool, but she's too busy keeping the Fox pinned down as Sasuke streaks across the living room. There are shots all around the house, even outside now, but Hinata is deaf to them. All that matters is keeping her _idiot_ partner alive!

Sasuke survives. He barely looks like he broke a sweat at all in the end. Hinata wants to hate him for that but as tired as she is after this day, she can't quite muster any more disdain than she ever had.

They take four men alive and unhurt. Six more are sent away in ambulances. Another three are dead. Five officers are injured. It's a rather successful raid, in all honesty, which is kind of sad. Usually, you don't take down Foxes without a fifty percent fatality rate or more.

When they're finished with the paperwork and various other duties, Sasuke catches Hinata's arm. She thinks for a moment that he's going to berate her for something and starts thinking up ten million things that might be, but he doesn't.

"Good job," he says, frowning as if this is a bad thing.

It's this image that Hinata keeps in her mind from the day's raid and it makes her smile with pride as she curls around her pillow that night.


	23. Dude Looks Like A Lady

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**23. Dude Looks Like A Lady**

The KPD is never quiet but sometimes it's unbearably loud. Like today.

"When the hell did we get so many new guys?" yells a blond girl from the elevator who looks distressingly familiar. Her eyes are wide and blue, features still childish even though she has to be in her early twenties.

Chouji can't help staring at her from his desk. Why in hell's name is Naruto in _drag?_

The girl, Naruto-in-drag, _bounces_ along the lines of desks, long blond hair swishing from side to side with every swaying step. Chouji blushes. He's a guy, even if girls aren't exactly his interest, and Naruto-in-drag has breasts even he couldn't get his hands fully around in her cut off t-shirt with the Wonder Woman symbol on it. And her hips are wide, waist tinier than he remembers Naruto having. The jean miniskirt he's wearing shows off legs that go on _forever_ with dainty feet in little strappy heels. But that face, full of impatience and childishness, is all Naruto.

"Hey!" Naruto-in-drag says with a grin as he – she? Who's he to deny Naruto's free expression of him/herself? – slams his hands onto Chouji's desk and leans over, breasts thrust out in a way _no one_ could ignore. Oh gods, there's pink nail polish on those short nails. "Hey, _you're_ new! Where's that freak Sai? He owes me twenty bucks!"

Chouji just kind of stares because her breasts keep quivering and bouncing with every word she utters. They look dangerously real. "Uh…"

Naruto grins at him, blue eyes sparkling – _eyeshadow! He's wearing eyeshadow!_ "Heeeey now, you think I'm _hot_, don't you? You do! You do!"

"I- um. Well…" Chouji's probably never sounded so dumb before. And he feels himself flush with embarrassment as she laughs. It sounds natural, a few pitches higher than normal.

"Lay off the new guy, Haruna," Shikamaru mutters in passing as he smacks the back of the blond's head.

"Oi, Shikimaru, you just wait 'til we're outside!" 'Haruna' yells after him, flipping the bird. And it's so Naruto. Chouji thinks his brain might be breaking. Couldn't they have told him when he joined this branch that his partner was a public crossdresser?

Chief Minato steps out of his office and looks up in surprise. "Haruna? When did you get back?"

"DADDYYYYYY!" 'Haruna' squeals and she bounces over to throw her arms around her father's neck. "Ha, I knew you wouldn't get fat while I was away!"

There's a faint flush on Minato's face but his smile is generous and amused as he hugs her to him. So this is a regular thing. Chouji feels kind of dizzy, especially when Detective Kushina isn't surprised either and embraces her crossdressing son with exuberance.

Shikamaru walks back over and reaches out, taking Chouji's shoulder a minute.

"It's not that," he says but before he can explain, the explanation makes it self jarringly clear.

"Where the hell is she?" Naruto yells as soon as the elevator door opens. There's a squeal and a flash of blond and then the two Narutos are hugging each other in the middle of the office. That is until the girl one grabs the boy one's head in a headlock and viciously noogies.

"Twin sister," Shikamaru says absently and very, _very_ belatedly. Chouji just kind of nods and watches the two nearly identical blonds get into a fight while Naruto tries to fix his hair and Haruna rails at him for never calling, you bastard, I'm your _sister!_

"Drinks?" Shikamaru offers. Chouji nods.

"Drinks. Maybe the whole bar."


	24. Win some, lose some

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**24. Win some, lose some**

"I'll tell you where you can stick it," the disgruntled man on the table snarls out after Orochimaru _very nicely_ explained what he was going to do with the syringe. He'd thought he was providing a kind of common courtesy. Apparently, that is too good for this kind of riff raff.

"Is that so?" he murmurs absently, loading the syringe with his newest adaptation of venom. His research is going very well lately, no small part due to his employers and their generous donation of bodies. "Well, I suppose even your type have the right to give their opinions."

The man snorts. He glares at Orochimaru as if he has some ability to be cowed. It would be almost cute if it weren't so pathetic. And then the guy has the audacity to grin.

"If this is some freak way of getting my attention, you can quit 'cause you're not my type."

Orochimaru pauses. His eyes slowly slide over to the man's face as he feels a slight amount of bewilderment. Did he honestly hear that correctly?

"I'm sure I'd weep if that meant anything," he says finally and then injects the guy, who hisses with faint pain. Orochimaru has to admit; he was purposefully rough. Can't have his victim thinking he might be interested. After all, Orochimaru likes them younger, surlier, and with dark hair. What he wouldn't do to have that young cop in his hands…

"What are you smiling about?" his victim mutters and he's already starting to shiver. "Just promise you'll wait… until I'm _actually_ dead… to start the necrophilia…"

"Oh, I don't know about that," Orochimaru muses and he smiles at the flash of panic in the man's eyes.

"…Win some… lose some…" are his last words. Privately, Orochimaru thinks the latter part is the only bit that really fits.

He takes great care not to touch the body more than he has to in the dissection and dismemberment, though he won't admit the nameless victim's accusations stick with him.


	25. Stop looking at my eyes

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**25. "Quit looking at my eyes. My boobs are down there." - Shlee**

It's Umino Iruka's birthday.

Iruka hates his birthday. It's not that he gets upset over the gaining years or has some complex about celebrating his birth. No, what he hates about his birthday is that four or five years out of seven, it's on a weekday and half the time, right before school lets out. Weekdays mean school days. School days mean students, but even that's not the worst part.

The worst part is _Mitarashi_ _Anko_.

It's his birthday today and it's a _Wednesday_.

Iruka manages to avoid her most of the day. Someone told his students what day it was and he's inundated with apples, which will come in handy because _he's_ _going straight home_. With the last bell, he pokes his head out the door and then merges with the crowd. He gets all the way to his car.

"Iruka! I heard it's your _special day!_"

He suddenly wishes he'd never been born. Slowly, Iruka turns to give Anko his best fake smile even though he's pretty sure she can tell. But Anko doesn't care about that.

"I'm driving," she says cheerily. He pretends he doesn't know what she talking about.

"My car's fine and I've got tests to grade-"

"Iruka, honey, stop looking at my eyes. My boobs are down there."

"What?" But he looks anyway without even thinking and, yes, they are down there and, yes, they are something rather admirable… And that's when something smashes into the back of his head and he wakes up an hour or so later in a bar.

A karaoke bar.

In hindsight, after Anko and the other teachers manage to get him on stage to sing some new idol's song that he's never heard before, Iruka thinks he has a pretty damn good case to sue for battery and a host of other things, including cruel and unusual punishment.

The only upside is that eventually some of his old students get there and at least when Naruto's belting out a tone-deaf chorus, Iruka doesn't have to be on stage.


	26. Apanthropinization

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**26. Apanthropinization - Shlee**

To be honest, Kiba's kind of surprised he hasn't pissed himself. But he finds that Kyuubi is easier to deal with after the first agonizing ten minutes. After that, if he hasn't killed you, he probably won't. And he didn't seem all that interested in Kiba at the moment.

Kyuubi's sole attention was on the form of Namikaze Haruna. Kiba had only seen her a handful of times and not in nearly a year, but there's no mistaking her. She's got the same kind of crazy, loud presence as her twin brother.

They watch her all day, following her about while she shops, meets her parents for lunch, wanders around town. Haruna's as loud in the world as she is in the precinct, which doesn't surprise him at all. And as the hours pass, Kiba gets more and more scared of what Kyuubi is planning. The guy is so damn quiet and serious, as if this is more important to him than anything else-

"You have an older sister named Hana," Kyuubi says suddenly and Kiba's blood goes cold because this fucker shouldn't even know his _name_, let alone- "Your mother is Tsume. Your father skipped out when you were two. You've been a cop for three years."

Kiba can't breath. He's pretty sure his heart stopped dead. Then he decides if he's going out, he'll do it with a bang. If Kyuubi kills him, there's no reason for him to go after his family. That's all the thought he has before he gives out a petulant, "So? What are you going to do about it?"

Kyuubi's lips quirk. "Not a damn thing. I don't mind having one of Minato's boys around for leverage."

The fact that Kyuubi is on first name terms with the chief is kind of daunting. But Kiba doesn't dwell on that. He's too busy noticing the sudden shift in Kyuubi's body that turns him from amused to dangerous in half a second. Kiba follows his gaze and notices some guy's stopped to talk to Haruna just as she comes out of the gas station with a soda and some milk. He's not sure why but something about that guy has Kyuubi on serious edge. Kiba has no idea. He seems normal enough.

They watch until Haruna says good bye and walks on back towards her father's house. The guy stays there, watching her go, and that's when Kiba starts getting the creeps.

"Bastard," Kyuubi growls, his lip curling. Then he turns and starts swiftly away. For a second, Kiba thinks about taking off right then, getting the fuck out of here since he's been made anyway… But he's never run away from a job before and he's not gonna start now. Kyuubi's known about him long enough already and the bastard hasn't killed him yet.


	27. A Case of the Mondays

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**27. A Case of the Mondays**

Naruto hates Mondays. He hates them with a flaming passion. Not that he doesn't usually have work to do on Sundays, but there's something about Mondays that just offends him to his absolute core.

So, when they finally had the evidence to move on that Orochimaru guy, it's Monday. Of course. _Murphy's Law_. But whatever. He can deal. Naruto just might be extra pissy with that crazy transvestite, which he probably deserves if he's really the guy (and they're pretty damn sure he is) that's been chopping people up. It's almost 99.99% sure. So, it's enough to bring him in for questioning. Which is great except, well, _Monday_.

But Naruto still drags himself out to join Chouji at the research lab. Chouji hands him the most delicious cream cheese danish _ever_ because Chouji is a _god_. Maybe his day won't be that bad.

Except as soon as they get to the doors, a gunshot rips through the top pane and shatters the rest. Naruto and Chouji duck down immediately against the solid brick as a second shot fires into the door.

"Shit, shit, _shit!_ Chouji, get to your car! Call for backup!"

Chouji is moving as soon as he finishes speaking without any hesitation. Good. Naruto's got his gun out and he eases the door open just enough to see through. He doesn't spot anyone but he hears people. A terrified secretary begging to be sparred, a laughing man telling her to shut it if she knows what's good for her. Further in, Naruto thinks he hears more hostages. _Damn it_.

"On their way," Chouji tells him but Naruto's not willing to wait. The secretary starts crying and then they hear someone hit her.

Naruto's moving before he even knows it. Not that he would have stopped himself anyway. He's running through a shower of bullets and Chouji yells about how much of an idiot he is right now but man, it surprises the shit out of the guys with guns. He knocks one to the ground over a table and the gun goes flying. Naruto gives about half a second worry on the safety being off it before he's ducking past another gunshot and jeez, that was close!

But he did what he meant to. He's got an overturned table between the shooters and this hostage, and one guy's down. Score one for Namikaze Naruto!

Another perp cries out as he's hit from behind. Shoulder wound, non-lethal, looked like the dominant arm. Chouji's a _damn_ good shot. But Naruto doesn't have time to think about that. The guys are turning their attention to his partner and shouting. Naruto lets off a few rounds over the table and hears a cry of pain.

That's when he realizes all hell hasn't broken loose yet. Because it does, right then.

Things get crazy. Crazier than Naruto can keep track of. When Chouji somehow gets to him, Naruto lets him get the hostage out while he keeps running through his clip and the first spare. There's way too much gunfire for just them and the assholes and way too many moving bodies. What the fuck just happened?

There's a lull in the action and he peeks over the table. The perps are down but there's surrounded by faces he knows. Faces he's seen with long rap sheets attached to them. Stripes painted on their cheeks.

_Holy shit, the fucking Fox Corps!_

That's the last thing that goes through his mind before something strikes him in the back of the head and everything goes black.

Of course it happens on a fucking Monday.


	28. Contrary to popular belief

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**28.** **Contrary to popular belief, criminal hotspots are usually painstakingly chosen - with a numbered die and a map.**

Contrary to popular belief, criminal hotspots are usually painstakingly chosen - with a numbered die and a map. Orochimaru's numbered die had a hundred faces and his map had been the full inside of his brain.

He isn't making much sense right now.

Blearily, Orochimaru looks up at the rough hooligans that have apprehended him and applied undue force to his cranium. He thinks maybe he's injured but frankly, it's hard to think at all.

They're snarling something at him but the words sound jumbled and it only gets worse when they hit him again. He tries to explain that questioning a prisoner is made difficult by concussions, but his mouth doesn't seem to be working quite right.

Orochimaru decides this is a pretty bad day.

And it gets worse because just as the guys get frustrated and knock him down onto the floor again, there's more gunshots and yelling and he really just wants to take a nap.

When Orochimaru comes to again, he's surrounded by blue uniforms and flashing lights. There's a woman in white looking in his eyes and talking.

"Concussion, multiple lacerations, possible skull fractures-"

But that's not really as interesting hearing someone near by on a phone. Orochimaru ignores the woman trying to help him and instead turns his head, setting his shaky gaze onto a man that looked like he was far too overweight to be one of the boys in blue, but he seems part of them. What interests Orochimaru is that the guy's voice is less annoying than the woman's and he doesn't have a backdrop of flashing lights behind him.

"Chief? It's Chouji. Yes, sir, we got him," the fat man says gravely. "No, no, he's not saying anything yet- well I think he got hit in the head- I'm following to the hospital, don't worry. We won't let the foxes get another shot at him."

That's a little comforting, Orochimaru supposes. The woman mutters something as she turns his head but he ignores her. She's negligible. Not that the fat man is much better, but still. Less annoying.

"Six dead, all foxes. Got a couple injuries here. Hinata's down," Chouji goes on. "Leg shot, clean. She'll be fine. Yeah, He's ripping into her already. I'm surprised you can't hear him from here. Sasuke's got a set of lungs on him-"

Abruptly, Orochimaru stops listening. Sasuke. _Sasuke's here_. He strains to hear the man over the general din of sirens and people but he can't quite make it out. Which is disappointing. Sasuke's voice is almost as good as that pert ass.

He's grinning when they load him into the ambulance.


	29. Abscond

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**29. Abscond**

Minato's tired. One of his people is in the hospital for the next week, two more for overnight, and another seven needed minor medical attention. He's got six dead gangbangers, three more of them hospitalized for a few days, and four in custody. There's already a mountain of paperwork on his desk and he suspects it will reach the ceiling by morning. The DA won't stop grumbling in his ear and making veiled accusations. Minato hates Danzo on a good day already without having to listen to his conspiracy crap. When he finally manages to politely hang up the phone, he wants to throw it across the room.

It was a successful job in the sense that they apprehended Orochimaru but Minato hates that so many people were hurt. He can't help but think himself responsible. So he busies himself setting up interrogations, directing officers, and handing out various assignments. But he knows he hasn't been getting enough sleep the last few days and if he wants to be of much use to them, he needs some rest.

Splashing his face in the bathroom to try and wash away some of the grim guilt, Minato heads out to do a few last minute jobs and chats with Kushina a bit. She's going to stay and finish up some paperwork but tells him to be awake and alert when she gets home. The little quirk to her lips tells him why. Minato returns it and then he goes home.

All illusions of what might happen later are gone. The front door is smashed open. He can see a broken lamp and a spread of scattered cereal on the floor. Minato swallows thickly and draws his gun.

The house is eerily silent. Minato adds as little noise as he can. His eyes are sharp and wide, taking in everything he can see. The place has been torn apart but it doesn't seem as if they were looking for anything. He finds another smashed lamp and it looks as if someone might have been thrown into his television. It's useless scrap now. A spill of orange juice in the living room. He'd told Haruna not to eat in there-

Haruna.

The only sign of her is in the damage. Haruna's a fighter. She'd have done everything she could to free herself. He's pretty sure most of this mayhem is from that.

Minato sees red when he enters the guest room. Red paint streaked over the walls in a pattern of two sets of straight lines. Whiskers.

Foxes.

Those bastards hit his home while hitting the lab-

Minato jerks out his phone and calls Naruto. There's no answer. He's not quite hysterical when he gets to Kushina but it's a close thing. She hasn't seen their son either. Chouji's surprised but he assures him that Naruto must still be at the scene. Things were crazy. He'd lost track of his partner.

The only one still there that he has a number for is Lee. Lee confirms that Naruto's not there. That's when Minato finds it hard to breath.

The foxes took his children.


	30. Smooth Criminal

**Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit**

A/N: This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D

**30. Smooth Criminal**

Naruto wakes up with the taste of blood in his mouth and a killer headache. He's groggy and kind of out of it. Opening his eyes, he lifted his head off his chest and sees Haruna near by. She's tied to a chair and looks messed up, clothes ripped and hair out of sorts. Which is weird because Haruna always flaunts her looks. It's her messiness, not the rope, that jerks him into alertness.

"What the hell?"

The room around them is old. Wallpaper curls along the seams and hangs in ripped lines. One wall is almost completely bared. The only furniture is their chairs and they're, unfortunately, new and sturdy. He tugs at his hands but whoever did the knots was thorough. He can't see Haruna's hands from here but he suspects it's the same. Naruto wiggles in the chair. It's not secured to the floor but it's pretty heavy. It'd take a while to move it anywhere. Looking back at Haruna, Naruto leans as far forward as he can manage but he can't see her face. He doesn't know if she's hurt but she probably is. Damn it! Only he was allowed to mess with his sister!

"Haru?" he calls hesitantly. She doesn't move. "Oi, Haruna! Wake up! Stop being so lazy!"

When she still doesn't even twitch, Naruto almost gets worried. Then he gets mad instead because that's a lot easier. He starts yelling obscenities and stomping his feet as best he can. Faster he gets someone in there to shut him the fuck up, faster he knows who the hell grabbed them. Not, of course, that he doesn't have a few theories.

One of which gets proven when someone unlocks the door and slips in. The guy's a handful of years older than Naruto, he'd guess. He's kind of short and his blood red hair is down to his ass. The usual fox marks are painted on his cheeks. He seems like a typical thug in his dress and the way he carries himself.

"Oi, took you long enough!" Naruto snaps at him. The redhead lifts a brow and leans back against the door with his arms folded over his chest.

"Could you be a little louder?" he asked. "I think there's a few people in Suna that didn't hear you."

Naruto snorts despite himself. "Yeah, well, the service in this hotel _sucks_."

"Well, I'll see if we can get some mints for your pillows."

"Getting the pillow first would be better," Haruna mumbles. Naruto jerks his head as she lifts hers. There's blood on her cheek and above one eye and her lip's been split. Naruto is going to kill whoever hit her.

As soon as her face is visible, the fox moves. He comes in close, grabbing her chin to bring up her head. Haruna starts to fight him but then the guy's got a handkerchief and is trying to clean her up. It's… really weird. Naruto watches like a hawk because seriously, this guy's a creeper whether he's being nice to her or not. Maybe he just doesn't hit girls. Or maybe he's not in this gig for his own reasons. When he gets that idea, Naruto latches onto it.

"Hey, man," he starts, getting the guy's attention, "Get us out of here. I'm a cop. I can make sure they go easy on you."

The fox looks at him. This close, Naruto can see just how close to blood the color of his eyes are. It's creepy. So is the way he stays so damn still.

"Go easy on me," the guy repeats, sounding a little incredulous. Naruto nods.

"You help me, give up the names of your buddies, and we can give you a good deal."

"You're serious."

"Dead serious," Haruna says. "If my brother gives you his word, it's gold."

The guy seems to think about it. Then he just shakes his head as he pulls a half empty water bottle from his jacket pocket and wets the handkerchief to continue cleaning Haruna's face.

"You look like a nice guy," Naruto tries even though no, no he doesn't, and there's something about the fox that makes his skin crawl. "I figure you got blackmailed into this gig, right? Or they got you young and you didn't know what you were getting into."

The guy looks at him again. He seems to be somewhere between amused, confused, and shocked. It's better than manly posturing, anyway.

"I bet you have a girl," Haruna says and she seems a bit wistful. "Real pretty. You're just trying to keep her safe-"

"I don't have a girl," the guy cuts her off with, shaking his head again. "And no. I did this on purpose."

"Son of a bitch," Naruto grumbles under his breath. But he's finding it hard to get to pissed off when this guy is being so damn kind to Haruna and hasn't gone after him yet. "What, you get off on all this shit?"

"Maybe," the guy admits and then he grins and Naruto swears the guy's got fangs. Drawing back the hanky, the fox backs up from them and heads for the door. "Don't start screaming again, Namikaze, and I might bring you some food before night fall."

The door shuts just as Naruto's belly grumbles about how long it's been since that awesome danish. Haruna rolls her eyes. Then hers grumbles too.

They both decide to be quiet until they've eaten, _then_ they'll get some attention their way.


End file.
